How can one determine if a therapist is truly effective without having any prior knowledge? It’s akin to handing an illiterate person a book and expecting them to find the information they need.

The information presented here aims to provide valuable insights that can be easily integrated into counseling sessions and everyday life. After encountering many misdiagnosed individuals who struggle and inadvertently burden their families, the clear need for 'guidance about guidance' became evident.

We need,someone to continously point out we ste in a season of pain, where perseverance leads to wisdom. We do not experience this for nocreason, we leanr from WITH A REASON. someway one day we will know why and why it was usefull. 

 

We need not wanting a quick fix but find out the deeper truth underneath our suffering. Befreind it. Befreind ourselves just the way we are. We sre good. We mifgt eant to refine, and shed hurt, and become free again. But we never must loose sight of acceprimg the why, this needs no further inquiry,  its a given that helps us seek to find the wisdom within. Within the trauma within us. 

.1

therapists frequently overlook clients' genuine attempts to make connection, objectifying them instead.

2

Getting too close can trigger behaviors rooted in fear and a lack of knowledge, which is challenging and requires extensive training. This gap fosters the belief that BPD/NPD is incurable, but as a professional with lived experience, I assure you it is not! Healing takes time, and society must invest in training mental health caregivers. Current methods are outdated. Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, and Zach Bush are leading changes in trauma healing worth exploring.

Clients who manage to function in society while dealing with BPD/NPD often possess the true potential to heal.

3

I've often noticed a significant disconnect from This is common in therapy, where normal behavior is misinterpreted as pathological, weakening the client and making them victims of abuse unknowingly.

While the need for validation may arise from pathology, therapists can uplift clients to a state of 'healthy but severely hurt.' We should address this to build a foundation of self-esteem, which is crucial for perseverance and healing.

 

 

 

4

Modern therapy emphasizes effective coping strategies designed to help individuals navigate the challenges of everyday life. After successful therapy, clients may feel like a seasoned analyst capable of being their own therapist for years to come. However, despite this newfound knowledge, they find themselves facing the same struggles over and over again, simply armed with better tools to manage them. This approach eventually strips away the joy of true healing and thus of living happily ever after. What seened to be the end of healing,  the journey to recovery only just has begun.

 

4a

Current understanding suggests that when dealing with severe trauma, therapists often struggle to confront the feelings associated with it, as this can lead to emotional instability or even decompensation. Many resort to sharing analytical information as a means to, besides gaining insight, emotionally detach, employing it as a protective mechanism. This strategy helps avoid confrontational feelings but unforturnately the tears folllowing these feelings really are crucial to the healing process. Recovery therefor requires time as first and foremost strong foundations need to be established. If we find our therapist avoiding certain remarks or questioning when it leads to grieve, it's wise to change.

4b

​​The therapist should not communicate skilled intentions but communicate from human to human and adress we can find our what behavior belongs to your pain and what belongs to you. The undamaged person within you clearly seeks to differentiate and heal, awareness can help you do that.

 

We achieve this by refining our analytical understanding of defense mechanisms. This allows us to recognize and disengage whenever they surface, often accompanied by intense emotions that can lead to dramatic expressions or complete withdrawal.

 

That's when healing begins to take place. This is the signpost urging us to dive into our feelings, to contemplate, to seek help, and to explore the root of our current turmoil. While it may seem as though our spouse triggered this reaction with unkindness, we must shift our focus away from that. Instead, we should delve deeper into our own emotions and experiences.

Initially, our attention should remain on our feelings. Once we have processed our pain, we can address our spouse constructively. At this point, we can communicate in a calm and fair manner. The clarity and inner guidance we’ve gained not only help us but also illuminate the situation for our partner, facilitating a more productive dialogue.

This makes it easier to share and process the conflict together, allowing both of you to navigate through that moment as a united front.

Even if he remains rude and unkind, it's important to focus on your own healing. You may be reflecting on your youthful experiences and married exactly those through the type husbandchosen, so take the time to emotionally process any memories that arise. Through this journey, you'll gradually grow stronger and learn to tolerate such negativity less and less.

 

 

4c

We don’t need to completely immerse ourselves in our trauma to heal. In fact, it’s often more beneficial to avoid this deep dive, as our bodies cannot distinguish between real and imagined experiences. Instead, counselors or therapists should concentrate on building pillars of self-esteem, which will ultimately help us acknowledge our experiencies with feelings of fear, loneliness, shame and pain. Especially when severe traumatic events are incapsulated we will leave them there as long as they do not rise themselves. We can truly trust our inner protection mechanism, for it has protected us from so much more than "just therapy".

 

5

Cultivating an environment that promotes transformative experience is the first thing to focus on. Usually this means infusing hope. Overemphasizing theory can result in superficial healing — it allows us to identify our problems and learn techniques to manage them, yet often stops short of achieving genuine healing. It disconnects us from the joy that resides within and traps us in a ongoing cycle of depression, therapy and constantly searching for new methods, without reaching fulfillment. We know something is óf but we do not know what that is or we know what lies in the dungeons beneath but dare not touch it, which sometimes for time being really is the best thing to do.

 

As we embrace the reality of life and begin acknowledging our pain, we begin to understand that while we must carry it with us, it is possible to do so in a grounded manner. How to navigate our journey with resilience, transforming the weight of our experiences into a source of strength that ultimately becomes our stronghold, we carefully reconnect with the innate desire for connection.

6

Working with a skilled counselor who resonates with our needs brings immense joy and empowerment. This journey will serve as a training ground, the counselor becoming a guiding figure, akin to the supportive godmother we never had, cheering us on along the way but also pinpoints clearly - from a psychotherapists point of view- what needs change, what is unkind or selfabsorped behavior. In a micro context, this means that the counselor or therapist acts as your primary connection within a supportive community network that guides you toward healing, rather than focusing solely on the method used. The approach is simply a framework on which the healing process is built, to discover what resonates, creating a comfortable environment for engagement. If you try an ineffective method with a skilled counselor, and a highly regarded method with an ineffective counselor, you'll likely find that the former leads to genuine recovery.

 

6a

Trust almost always is a precair concern but we don’t have to pressure ourselves into a half-hearted trust in our counselor, as this can lead to compromise our personal boundaries in an attempt to demonstrate trust. Instead, we seek out someone who we genuinely perceive to be skilled and trustworthy. This kind of choice opens the door to recovery, gradually leading us from hope to faith, ultimately moving forward from trusting the process to trusting our therapist.

 

6b

This is a significant milestone. Our counselor can be the first person we trust, even before we learn to trust ourselves. It is only at this point that we become ready to embrace the guidance offered to us. Simultaniously engaging in practices like prayer, journaling or reflecting on mystical texts can help reconnect with our intuitive knowing. These activities are incredibly beneficial while no specific faith is required. Our counselor should inherently recognize that building mutual trust is a gradual process and a significant part of our journey.

7

Finding a female therapist is commendable. Women naturally connect with one another as they share a deep understanding of how both the brain and body are wired. Being aware of these nuances helps create a safe and supportive environment for all.

 

The therapeutic relationship should always be a comfortable space, fully trustworthy,  especially given the challenges and discomfort we may face outside of it. Nothing should be said or done that crosses any boundaries, intentionally or unintentionally. We should never feel that discomfort is being imposed on our account, we need to keep in mind that a good counselor is able to help us feel at ease, regardless of past experiences and the therapyform used.

7a

This doesn’t mean we won’t feel discomfort during exercises or tests; it’s essential to persist despite feelings and memories of past pain.

We often find ourselves in a paradox: we might disagree with what we face, yet we know it’s necessary. This mix of fear and understanding shows we are on the right path. In these moments, we instinctively realize that trusting ourselves and our therapist's skills is crucial.

8

If you find yourself grappling with persistent doubts and feeling pressured by a therapist to act or speak in certain ways, it may be a strong sign that it's time to part ways. We can always trust our inner guide, even when its hidden beneath the surface. Over time we may have learned to ignore it but our neurotic tendencies act as signposts, directing us back to that fundamental knowing.

8a.

Remember, inner wisdom presents itself as a gentle feeling and can coexist with anxiety. The first always provides reassurance that we are on the right path while the others open the door to a variety of topics, of ehixch some point to healing but some really shine in a distorted way light on what is strange or unjust or unfree about the counselor.  We just unlearned to act in a normal way and hold bounderies. That's why we are most vulnerable towards non functioning care, co, as was done in our youth, again wé are are problem.

8b

 If it's it hard to connect with a therapist despite mutual continuous efforts, it’s okay to explore other options. Especially when feelings of hopelesness arise every session about not being able to communicate clearly or recieving a star viewpoint from the counselor.  Sometimes it’s just not the right time, place or person.

 

9

It's essential to learn to differentiate between ego and pain, protective mechanisms and genuine hurt, as well as neuroses and authentic character traits. These distinctions can be difficult to make without thorough experience and are often mistakenly perceived. Selecting a counselor with both insight and thorough experience is essential as their understanding of nuance will be invaluable on our journey. Every one of us possesses a distinct individuality that enriches the theories and lessons we engage with. While the acronyms may be identical, each person's journey through pain and their path to healing is uniquely theirs.

10

Therapists often mention the Karpman Drama Triangle, where victims cope with emotional pain by trying to save others. While this holds some truth, Christian counseling stresses shifting from a taking mindset to one of giving. Helping others and receiving gratitude can be the first time victims feel appreciation, enabling a connection to that emotion. A Christian counselor can explore the healthiest ways to facilitate this, fostering authentic helpfullness as a genuine character trait.Authenticity fosters personal growth and resilience, leading to feelings of pride and gratitude. Both the counselor and the client progress together on the journey towards improved well-being. However, In this case, what seems to be in need of 'healing' isn't broken at all but a talent that can aid recovery. Counselors who lack old fashioned relevant scholarly credentials or substantial life experiences, Karpman Triangle can easily be applied to any client who enjoys helping others on a continous basis. This approach may give clients the impression that they need to relinquish their established habits, even though they find true fulfillment in helping others. This misconception undermines their self-esteem, leading to frustration and depression—albeit counterproductive thus a major setback in therapy. Both the counselor and client may feel pressured to deepen their focus on underlying issues or adopt more intensive methods,  diverting the client from an authentic path, essential for genuine growth and positive recovery,

11

In the therapeutic relationship, healing and learning are interconnected. Whether the psychiatrist and client both heal or one heals while the other learns, a foundation of equality is essential for a successful connection. It conveys a shared understanding that differing skills and abilities do not define it. Both parties benefit from this dynamic: the psychiatrist learns from teaching while the client gains insight from the diagnostic process. Ultimately, both are on a continuous journey of growth and authenticity. If this balance is lacking, the therapeutic process falters, often leaving the client at a disadvantage—and, quite literally, pay the price for it.

 

VB LISA RUBEn

12

Receiving a diagnosis can leave individuals feeling vulnerable and weak, often pushing them into a corner of stigma. While we can use our diagnoses as a convenient set of symptoms, this approach often simplify the complexities of our experiences. It serves as a guideline for healing but also risks overshadowing the depth of our struggles. By reducing our challenges to mere labels, we create a disconnect between our genuine pain and our identities, leaving us feeling isolated. We are not just victims; we need to be seen as whole yet wounded. Our intense pain might appear strange to those with stable backgrounds, but it reflects our true selves highlighting the craziness, frustration and unclear messages we've faced. It points us schizoidly to what needs healing and we should embrace it.

13

Understanding this truth is vital to our healing journey. It reinstates a sense of normalcy after years of being perceived as abnormal, empowering us with immense strength. When someone breaks a bone and it is set, we don’t view them as completely incapable or irrational when they cry out in pain. We view the leg as curable and rhe person as whole. And! We do not let a plummer set the bone and call it uncurable when its crooked. However, when the pain is unseen and the wound is invisible, we suddenly change our perception. Just because recovery takes time and the trauma complicates our ability to build a stable life and is emotionally oriented, we are labeled as "crazy uncurable." But we are not, We are simply in need of highly skilled counselors and psychiatrists, as well as ample time to provide the support required.

 

 

 

 

14,

When we can encounter  a therapist who isn’t being genuine. Who is searching still her or himself. We feel this, our neurotic traits signal this out. This instinctive emotional awareness, although in distorted ways, is our superpower, honed through necessity in earlier times. However, past experiences with abusers may have taught us to suppress this intuition, leading to feelings of unease and confusion. It's time to reclaim this ability: being guided by our essence brings serenity, while operating out of anxiety breeds turmoil. We are equipped with everything we need; we are walking miracles. Within us lies a powerful healing device: our tears. However, today’s society has conditioned us to seek healing externally. We have become accustomed to proframs and goals,reasonable quick fixes. This shift has altered our food choices, our sleep patterns and our connection with day and night. A good therapist or couselor always helps us find our tears. No need in detailed re-experiencing, this just makes fight-flight reimbursed. To re-feel lonelyness or perhaps fear is sufficient, it helps us to release and regain our thriving in life.

 

15

The counselor often embodies a guiding example, showcasing our potential and the possibilities that lie ahead. True healing is rooted in compassion and a profound empathy for our innermost selves. It involves embracing vulnerability, which carries the promise of a brighter future. This sense of hope is what we should carry with us after each session. Despite the pain, tears, anger, setbacks, or feelings of stagnation, the assurance of better days ahead should always resonate most powerfully.

A counselor's primary goal is to ensure we leave each session feeling like this, better than we entered the conversation. While valuable work can happen during time together, it's essential that we do not walk away frustrated or with lingering questions because time ran out. By the conclusion of each session, we should feel empowered, comforted and hopeful, ready to confront new challenges on our own. This sense of empowerment builds resilience and inner strength and enables to face life’s challenges head-on.

 

EXAMPLES

 

Also are we provising short term courses for teachers and such, with the absolute danger that mrs doubtfyer after one courseday autism claims to k now, with everyboduy following this thinking. Mentioning "what do i know" is /álways to late because by ten the seed has been planted and will be travelling to ecery doctor and test as a the teacher thinks... Psychologically almost most peopole already adopted this thinking without even knowing.

 

In today’s society, autism is increasingly accepted, yet we often find ourselves moving from ignorance to extremes. This transition can come at a great cost, as individuals and families may suffer before understanding takes hold.

It is crucial to recognize the nuances between autism, borderline conditions, and high ability. Understanding these differences can lead to better support and acceptance.

 

"When our daughter was 14 she was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder ADHD. The teacher said she could not sit still and her attention went everywhere.

We later discovered that she was intensely focussed on something we could not see. Our lives lived in two realities, the seen and the unseen: our daily family life with our believed to be ADHD daughter, and her daily life with our neighbours' abusive son."

When facing various troubles and our children are in need of help, we are scattered and naturally focus on these real and visible issues, giving are utmost effort to solve them—be it physical, mental, emotional, financial, or spiritual challenges. The crucial invitation herein lies to not look at the troubles we can see now, rather we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. 

For the things we see now will soon be gone but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Corinthians 4:18

 

 

 

 

Transformation walks a fine line between complexity and ease: an intrinsic willingness to improve is the key driving force in the proce

 

 

 

 

integrste example sabina, karst, lisa en ruben (it is not -it is]. Voorbeeld bieke goig with rhe flow [it is nót - it ís)

Voorbeeld 2

Helen met 9nervsren counselor / helen met ervaren en transperdoonlijje counseling

 

Situation

In a relationship one is grieving, the other reaches out to help but needs to leave due to the need for personal space.  Wont say what is bothering but both know it has nothing to do woth the two of them woch should be reassuring.  However, asked to leave triggers old pains of neglect and abandonement. 

how it proceeded:

one lies in bed, feeling guilty unable to process original emotions. the other lies ether next feeling thecsame as old pains aer projected unto spouce. both cnnot process, this will lead to daily annoynces thr next day.

Th matter is discussed at therapy of one.

2 OPTIONS , 2 COUNSELORS

1st counselor says: You are valuable, and your boundaries are essential. You deserve your own space. It’s important for him to be equally considerate of your feelings, dedicating at least 10 minutes to have a genuine conversation with you is the least amont of effort, he shoudld be aware of your struggles and take some time to acknowledge you. Once that’s done, he can return to his own grieving process. Because of him you are sad. He needs to step up to his responsibilities. and focus on the interaction, let this relationship be the most important.  Remember, don’t let anyone undermine your worth—you truly matter. Stick up for yourself, you need the guidnce, he knows about your trouvbled youth.

 

 

If she followed through, the following consequent occurs:

The relationships becomes UNEQUAL,  both in pain but apparently one needs to first take care of the other. As a parents TA. This creates the first seed of distance in the 1st, and reinforces codependancy by the 2nd. A very dangerous way of counseling, as noone is being elevated here, rather confirmed deeper into their hurt, only this time with so-called argumenten ter onderbouwing. Only thw more dangerous as now a counselor said so so action are perceived as correct and als motivation mee geschermd worden when partner one doesn't cooperate. It kindles more fire and separation and therfor hurt. On the long run this is will hurt the relationship deeply and slaat gaten in fundering en zal de relatie het twijfelachtig overleven.

 

The 2nd Counselor advises: You are dealing with a kind man who openly communicates his feelings and recognizes his own pain while establishing boundaries. It's important to understand and appreciate that he is expressing his need for distance. 

 

As you are,aware, distancing triggers old pains. Acknowledge those. Him solving it does not work  this is the moment they seek to arise and be healed o'wise you simply would not experience this. Life has a moment for everything.

Briefly share that you, too, are experiencing pain, especially as it may be triggered by the situation at hand. Acknowledge that both of you have good intentions, but taking a step back might be the best option for now. Let him know that you would like the opportunity to talk together, but you fully respect his need for space at this moment.        

Noq tou take care of your own fears,and,needs:

It’s important to clearly communicate your boundaries: "I cannot sleep next to you to provide comfort; it takes a significant toll on my energy as it triggers my past pains."

Remember, both of you need to focus on your individual healing processes. It’s essential not to rely on one another for emotional support. Allow each other the space to heal in peace. The relationship stays equal: both are hurting, both need to deal with it, both do not have a partner to lean on at that moment. 

Begin by prioritizing your own well-being. Seek out a cozy spot in your home where you can relax and regain your focus. When confronted with the anxiety stemming from your boyfriend's withdrawal, address it in a manner that resonates with you. Allow memories to surface; embrace the feelings of loneliness or fear from your childhood. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, and be your own source of support during this uncertain time.

Comfort yourself and acknowledge what you've been through; you’re still so young. Allow yourself to cry when the tears come. Avoid judgment or the need for answers; the way emotions present themselves is always sufficient. Let questions remain unanswered. Childhood fears may resurface, seeking attention. Embrace your feelings, let them flow, and release them. Recover in a healthy way, and may you find peaceful rest. As we,see in little children, after a giod crying a child moans and tension is released.  The system verwerkte de emotie. We do not loose this function pnes we are adults. So we canosten to the signal, cry and,oncewe jawn we know for this,time we greived sufficientntly.

 

As this gets followed through, most likely this happens: 

Both process own emotions and sleep after. Thye will rweonnect in the morning and take some time to share the experiences from the previous evening. Sharimg creatwes ample opportunity to strengthen the bond. Choose to give love freely, rather than waiting for the other person to initiate it.

Important Reminder: If you find yourself frequently in the waiing room of your relationship, and you're feeling unsatisfied with what you recieve, it might be time for a deeper conversation, setting boundaries is often more complex than we initially realize.

A skilled counselor is once again essential for distinguishing between compassionate behavior and neglect or emotional abuse. One thing is certain: if we allow our inner child's pain to surface, we may find ourselves in a complicated struggle, pointing fingers and feeling abandoned and deeply alone.

 

• In the first example, someone's boundaries are constantly being crossed. Either or situation of someone's boundaries always being crossed. Someone leaning, builds machtsverhouding. Which, simultaniuisly builds frudstration, keeping scores, leading to pionting fingers and occuring opvlammende ruzies over kleinne nukszeggende,untracable things. It settles into the foundation, nibbling away stone by dtone.
• In the second example, an indicated boundary is respected. Strong foundation is being built.  Both parties share theiraa pain, creating space for reapprochement again in the morning. This offers the opportunity to reflect on what happened the previous evening in a relaxed and accessible way during breakfast. Importantly, both parties have dealt with their own emotions and pain, boundaries, and autonomy. Plus: both do not have a partner to lean on at that specific moment so are equally aangewezen op xich3lf. No use in pointing fingers. Voth deal wuth greive, both respect bounderies, both mourn and grow a d share newfound perspective  in the morning.

 

Ideally: in wonder world, both partners are equipped to respond empathetically and also to be able to "pass". Partner 1 could give Partner 2 flowers, for example, as thanks for the understanding shown and space given. In this way, Partner 1 receives something in return for what he/she gave the previous evening.

 

Ideally, the next time will proceed in the same way, possibly with changing roles.

The key: boundaries are respected and respect remains. Furthermore, it will be all the more pleasant to do something for the partner precisely because space was given, knowing that the other person found it difficult.

 

 

 Difference in helping:

Friendly helping, as counselor is doing,  provides a listening ear, understanding, comfort, and support. However, it often falls short in fostering autonomy and self-confidence, and it does not prioritize self-exploration or pain relief. Instead, it tends to encourage a one-dimensional form of self-assurance: simply asking for and receiving the validation you seek. This approach lacks compassion and growth, neglecting the important work of addressing your ego and healing your inner child's wounds.

Rather than empowering, friendly helping can impose a heavy burden, labeling you as someone who is "suffering from" various issues. Over time, this can lead you to become adept at analysis without acting correctly on it, a phenomenon we refer to as "Hug-providing counseling.

hugs comfort but do keep you in a state of dependence, relying on parental guidance you may have missed during childhood. As a result, you find yourself seeking partners who either fulfill this need or cannot; in either case, you become trapped in a repetitive cycle.

 

In short:

Effective support may not always provide what you initially seek, but it delivers precisely what you need to foster growth. It encourages autonomy, introspection, trust in your own feelings, compassion. It builds character  cos you deal with your shit, you deal with it alone, you acknowledge your background and see how far youve come, you can be proud you've been strong a d manage to turn your former neurotc outbirsts into powerfull comforting and somehealing. This is,what builds solid foundation, this exactly is what recovery is,about. Training yourself into the new, grieving the old will automatically bring new buried traits and wishes to  surface.

 

Example video counselinf